Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
