Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
where are you?
Hypothermia
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
