we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
