I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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