If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize