I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
