Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
