So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
