mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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