I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
