if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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