Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
