i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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