True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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