Your face is a jimmy john
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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