I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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