my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
