My sheets look like a crime scene.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
