Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
