so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
