My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
