I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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