Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
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We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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