My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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