Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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