this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
