my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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