im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
