A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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