There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
