Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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