Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
