I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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