The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
