i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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