I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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