In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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