if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Moan for me like Helen Keller
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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