Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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