I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
