dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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