apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
