the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize