I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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