my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
