wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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