I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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