I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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