please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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