I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
