So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
