I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Little spoons don't ask big questions
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
