I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
