Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I would ride that face into the sunset
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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