You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
