There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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