I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
