Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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