just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
