I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
