I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
