i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
